16 Year Marriage

 Here I go. I was raised LDS in a large family that is very strong in the church. I lost my way when I was 12, when I went through extreme bullying. I took it all inward and little did I know how traumatic that experience was. As I grew up, I had a very hard time feeling worthy, and I struggled with even going to school because of the anxiety of walking the halls. I eventually had my first boyfriend at 17 and he was a badboy that was charming. I got into drinking and within 1-1/2 years, I was an active alcoholic, didn't graduate high school and got pregnant. I did raise Trey living with my parents, working at a television station, and still trying to grow up as a single mom. Treys father went to Prison for drugs. For some reason or another, I had thought I could help Treys father, but instead he just pulled me down further.

In 2013 I was finally at the end of this 6 year "on and off" toxic relationship with Treys father. I had just moved to Nevada in this small town called Elko...Mining and Ranching. I was more of a city girl but managed to get a job as a dispatcher at a mine. At this point I was starting to date just for fun, even if they were not my type. At work, there was one guy that was liked by the crew, and was single. He didn't date girls because he thought they were all gold diggers, but since I worked at the mine, I fell into a different category. Plus, the guys on the crew knew he had the hots for me, yet he was too afraid to ask me out. After about 3 weeks of hearing all about how Andy had the hots for me, a couple guys carried him to the front of the bus to force him to ask me out. I thought it was so funny, and I wasn't going to say no. Everyone on the crew liked him. I went on a date or 2, and he fell head over heels. If I am being honest, I would have considered Andy a rebound because he was NOTHING of the type I would have dated. Complete opposite. But he was a gentleman and spoiled me...putting me up on this pedestal that I hadn't ever been on before. I was still struggling with letting go of the idea of treys dad getting better and being a family. About 6 weeks after I met Andy, I found out I was pregnant with my second child, and Andy was the father.

I had a lot of guilt for being pregnant again. Then, I had the internal conflict of staying with Mike, or choosing Andy. Andy knew of this conflict, and at one point he told me if I chose to stay with Mike, he would fight for full custody of the baby. I just remember crying my eyes out that he would do that! After sometime apart from Andy, I had decided I didn't love Mike any longer.  Andy still continued to stick around, even through the conflict. We were friends. I truly felt Andy loved me and he wouldn't leave me. I knew he did not like the Mormon church, but I had thought I would be fine, just raising the kids in the church alone, and I was fine with that. A part of me respected that he didn't believe in it, and I could have my beliefs. But, as time went on, I found he had a deep hate for the church, and I continued to live in this environment. 

After we were married was when the problems and differences really started to surface. He would not budge on his prejudice's, and overtime I just started to accept them as my own. Trey started acting out, in a way that was quite scary for both of us. He was 4, and we walked in on him putting his mouth on another little boys private parts. Andy then started to think something was seriously wrong with Trey, and say he had screws loose in his head. There were days, Andy would punish Trey, isolating him from the rest of the family. Even spending hours outside in the yard, picking up rocks out of the rock garden. Andy took him hunting. He left Trey in the truck while he went out for lengths of time (30-45 minutes). On this hunting trip Trey found a box of matches and lit Andys truck on fire. I remember when Andy came home, he was Angry and sent Trey to his room. He then told me that Trey lit his truck on fire because he was mad at Andy because Andy wasn't his real Dad. I remember feeling so sad for Trey, knowing he was scared after the incident. Andy held a deep grudge against Trey his whole life. All Trey wanted was to be loved and accepted. Instead, I was always in trouble from Andy for standing up for Trey. Andy would always throw it at me that I never stood up for him, and always took Treys side. The truth was Andy was emotionally abusive, isolating Trey from the family at times, giving him more work than any of the other children, would read books to the kids that were "his", and not Trey. When Trey was 10, he had verbally asked to be "adopted" and have the Vaughn last name. Andy said no, because if anything were to happen (divorce) than he would be financially responsible for Trey.

I was expected to take care of everything "50 feet from the front door" and nothing was ever done good enough. This all started once I was a stay-at-home Mom. I remember wanting more children, and he would never agree, or talk about it. Many times, I felt that "well, I can't get you on board, but your not opposed either. So, I guess I will just move forward with the decision. Inbetween baby 3-4, all I heard was we should try 1 more time so he could have his "boy". I was fine with it, because I enjoyed being a Mom. My happiest times were with my children, watching them grow, try new things, decorating the home, holidays, playing at the park, and going on many adventures in Alaska. As a family, we did have good memories during this time. Andy was a miner, and we had mining family friends. He also got along well with some of my church family friends. I even went to his church every other Sunday....even though he didn't go with me. Yes, going to church alone with 4 kids was difficult. However, it was a good difficult knowing I was doing something good for my family. I just wished Andy would have came with us.

Andy and I never went on a vacation together alone, and he very rarely went anywhere with the kids and I. I kept going because I guess a part of me wanted him to love me too...and yet, I was never good enough. We didn't talk to each other much either. When he was at work, I took care of the kids and lived life. When he was home, there was a set routine of being quiet while he slept, then he would wake up, eat dinner, pack a lunch, watch a little tv, and leave for work. It was very hard on him, and I saw the struggle. A job opened up at Eagle Mine in Michigan, in the safety department. This would have been a salary position, where he wasn't mining. I encouraged him to apply, and because his sister was already in Marquette, the move was a no brainer. He got the job, and we all were hopeful for this new life in Michigan. A place we could afford to do more things, and see more family. However, for me...Michigan was hard. Leaving behind friends in Alaska, to a place that was culturally different and isolated, was difficult.

Moving to Michigan was the breaking point for me. My kids were all in public school, and I didn't know what to do with myself in a town that reminded me of "the middle school bullies". I think it was the "good old boys club" mentality, and the fact that we were not born yoopers. I never got through it emotionally, I didn't graduate high school and had so much fear of failure. I managed our home construction and had a photography business that was just budding. I used my photography skills to meet people and make money for the family. 

However, I had started participating in the "stay at home moms drink wine daily" club and didn't know I was an alcoholic. I made a lot of bad decisions, was afraid to be honest and open with my husband and had no one. I was truly lost the entire 9 years we have lived in Michigan. My joy was found in my job, photographing love and connection. My husband gave up trying around 2013, and at that point I was scrambling to feel anything except failure. I went to a treatment facility in 2013, and Andy didn't even want to visit me. I pushed through and sobered up, did everything I was "suppose to" do, but I was still a burden, and I relapsed. I went back to a treatment center in 2016. There was an assignment to ask family and friends to write "letters of affirmation" and send them to me to read. All my friends and family sent me letters...except Andy. I came home and wanted a fresh start and was ready to work on my marriage. I tried weekly dates and I got resistance and complaints. It was a daily puzzle to get attention from my husband. Within 30 days I was drinking and said the word "divorce" for the first time. I did sober up for 6 months after that, and then it was back to the races. I couldn't beat it and tried EVERYTHING. In 2018, I asked for that "divorce". Even after I asked, I kept trying. I moved out and had a studio. I stayed sober and paid all my own bills (It was all in spite because he didn't believe I could do it). I did it though, and I was starting to find myself with the space between us. I figured he would see EVERYTHING that I did and appreciate me more. It did! We were getting along, I wasn't drinking, and everything was a bit softer. Andy asked if we could try again, and I was scared. I knew I loved him, but I was afraid if I went back into that same environment, that I would drink again. I didn't want to put them through it, but I loved him and knew my drinking was the problem. After Christmas in Phoenix in 2018, I agreed to try again. I was sober for 300 days and relapsed over feelings of depression in the middle of winter. I knew I couldn't put my family through it again, and said it was best if we got a divorce June 2019.

We still did things together as a family, Andy still told me he loved me, and I told him that too. We were still intimate and even still had a speck of hope, looking at houses together while ours was on the market. I even asked him if I was going to live with them when they move, and he said, "we will have to talk about it...I hope so after some time". When he got back from Arizona hunting, I knew without any doubt, he was in a relationship with another woman before the divorce was final. The hard part, she was connected to the family. Matter of fact, Andy had a strong connection with his cousin Tammy, and this girl was Tammys best friend. I hadn't even started processing the emotional divorce, and at that moment I hit a bottom, and made the decision I was never drinking again. I felt I was loosing my best friend, the one that was there for me. The one I was there for him. Most of our marriage, we only had each other, and we worked to get through the challenges together. The biggest issue for me was coping with life, depression, and loneliness, turning to drinking alcohol to numb the pain, which caused a lot of fear and discontent in the home. My thought process was if I could overcome this addiction, we could be a family.

I went through 70 days of sobriety, going through the most painful things you could ever imagine. I hadn't ever prayed before, and I prayed outload, on my knees for over an hour. I processed everything from the time I was 12 years old...and the whole time the thought of you couldn't leave my mind. I was scared, alone, sober, and not eating. Then he brought Morgan to Arizona for her 16th birthday. You were there, and I couldn't be there for my own daughter's birthday. Then the day of the divorce I cried so much. I went over to drop dinner off for Andy and the kids, and he was on the phone with the new girl. 

On Valentine's Day (the day Andy proposed to me) I cleaned his whole house for him because he is the father of my kids. The next day, I had over 20 members of the church over to help move everything into a storage unit. That day he came up to me and asked me if I had been digging under his bed. I had no idea what he was talking about and then he told me he had "gifts" from you under there. When he left, I went into the room and he had moved it to the closet. I opened the box and saw your little sex package you mailed him on Valentine's Day. I saw it and he told me about it. Then the "Divorce Trip" was personal. You see, Andy always knew our entire marriage we didn't take any trips together (except 1). I had wanted him to love me and see me for 16 years...he never wanted to do anything with me. 

I tried so hard to not drink that night. I talked to a preacher, my councilor, friends, the missionaries, and my family...but nothing could prepare me for it. I was building that relationship with my kids as a single mom and trust too, but the heartache was too much. I hadn't thought it would hit me that hard but seeing a picture (as a wife and a professional photographer that always wanted that picture and experience) I couldn't cope with it. I was like a robot walking to the gas station and didn't even know what was going on. I was completely exhausted, and I drank. I remember the moment I knew Morgan knew, and I felt like a complete failure. I didn't want her to call Andy because I was trying to save my family. 

When I woke up the next day and my kids were gone, and saw the pictures, I was done with my life. Done. I drank 38 shots in 2 days. I went to the hospital, and the missionaries came and gave me a blessing. When I woke up on the 4th day, alive, I started to detox alone.  I called the missionaries and 6 of them came over to help me. I knew I needed to be with family, and I needed to leave to get better. I was 115 pounds, detoxing, and I drove halfway across the country in the middle of winter, to fall apart with my family.